Sunday, November 28, 2004

Chapter 10 part 5

Word count: 500
Total: 21,534
Ok, so I failed. Big deal. I think this story kicks ass anyway, and I still plan on finishing it. Just maybe not at such a rapid pace.

The riot was put down. The rioters were beaten severally. Many were shot. Many were dead, or disfigured. Imp and Skip returned to the locker room while the other members of the riot squad cleaned up.

"I can't believe I just shot that guy in the face." Skip said.

"I'm proud of you. You're really making progress." Imp replied.

"Is that what you call it? I call it losing all sense of morality." Skip said.

"What you need to learn, Skip, is that there is no such thing as morality. Morality is only created by judgment. No one is judging you Skip, so nothing you do is either right or wrong. Now shut up, and let's go back to the hotel and party with some bitches." Imp said.

They both changed out of their riot gear. Imp once again donned his Moses robe, and gave Skip a suit to put on, so he would look presentable for the coming festivities.

As they left the stadium Skip said, "Aren't we going to pick up our prize money?"

"I'm the embodiment of God. I don't need money." Imp replied.

"Yeah, well I'm not, and I'm the one who ate all the cow brains." Skip protested.

"What would you do with the money Skip? What good is it going to do you after the apocalypse?" Imp said as he opened the door to the black Ford Falcon.

It was approaching 10:00 pm by the time they got back to the hotel. When they got to the room there was a cadre of scantily clad women and a veritable smorgasbord of delectable delicacies. There were exotic fruits, spiced meats, and a selection of rare cheeses.

"What is this a rap video?" Skip said as they walked in the room.

"No." Imp said. "If it were a rap video, there would be a hot tub in here."

"Right." Skip said.

"Lets party!" Imp said and sat down on a couch next to an Asian woman wearing a black leather mini skirt and a red bikini top. "Suck it bitch" He said, and shoved her head down into his lap.

"You're such a romantic." Skip said.

"Skip, I'm in the middle of something right now, and it's a little gay for me to be talking to you, so why don't you go find your own whore." Imp said.

Skip looked around the room, and decided to check out the buffet. Looking at the food reminded him of the cow brains, and although they were delicious at the time, the thought of them now made his stomach turn. In fact the site of meat made him quite nauseous. He decided to go to bed, rather than fuck one of the hookers.

He went into a bedroom area, lay down on the plush hotel bed, and fell into a sound sleep. There were no strange dreams or nightmares to rob him of his rest. It was a deep sleep, so peaceful that he didn't even hear the screams.

Thursday, November 25, 2004

Chapter 10 part 4

Word count: 807
Total: 21,034
Wow this chapter is getting long, and I'm still not done with it.

Skip ate like a madman. He paid no attention to the slobbering lunatics on either side of him. He didn't notice voracious consumption of cow brains, or the roar of the crowd, or the drool that was flying everywhere. He also didn't realize that he was winning.

Instead of getting full, he was growing more famished. Each cow brain he ate just made him want to eat two more. The other trainers were prodding and whipping their athletes, livid with the prospect of an unknown winning their coveted prize.

An air horn rang out, and everyone stopped eating. Skip came out of his brain eating frenzy, and looked around. A judge approached him and raised his hand in victory. Confetti dropped from the light rigging above the stage, and the crowd roared with applause.

The trainers threw down their whips and their cattle prods in frustration. The retards got angry at the site of Skip winning. They had been whipped and beaten worse than normal, and their jealously combined with their anger at their coaches to create a deadly cocktail of blind retarded rage. The competitor sitting next to Skip, a large man with Down syndrome, got up and wiped the drool and gray matter from his chin.

He shoved Skip back and said, "That's not fair! You cheated!"

The competitor on the other side of Skip stood up and said, "Yeah, not fair!"

The other retards started yelling, and security guards came up on the stage to calm the situation. Someone at the opposite end of the table lobbed a half eaten cow brain through the air in Skip's general direction. The brain missed Skip and struck the angry man with Down syndrome in the back of the head.

The angry retard grabbed a brain out of his bowl and threw it back to the other end of the table. Pandemonium broke out, as cow brains started flying back and forth on the stage. The security guards tried in to settle the angry mob of mental misfits, but it was in vain. The coaches had fled the stage, and without them there was no calming their athletes.

Skip managed to get off of the stage before he was dismembered. He and Imp made their way back to the locker room as the chaos continued.

"Nice eaten Tex." Imp said when they were safe within the confines of the locker room.

"I never knew cow brain could be so delicious. I'm guessing you had something to do with that." Skip said.

"You're guessing right. Now that we've beaten them at their own game, let's go squelch the riot." Imp said.

"How are we going to do that?" Skip asked.

"With this." Imp opened one of the lockers to reveal a set of riot gear.

"You've got to be kidding." Skip said.

"Really Skip? Do I ever really kid?" Imp replied, and started handing Skip pieces of riot gear.

Skip sighed, and put the gear on. Imp changed out of his Moses robe, and into the riot gear as well. Imp handed Skip a club and a shotgun, and they were ready to go.

When they came back to the inside of the stadium, they saw that food fight had deteriorated into a real full-blown riot. People from the audience had jumped onto the field to join in the fight. The security guards were lying unconscious, or dead. A few of the coaches had come back out attempting to rescue their investments, but they too were now lying unconscious, or dead.

"Looks like we're going to need back up." Imp said.

From the door they just walked through more men clad in riot gear came. They formed a line behind Skip and Imp. Imp stepped out a few paces and turned to face the men.

"Men" he said, "A day may come when society allows retards to riot in the streets! A day may come when political correctness will prevent decent men from stomping out the uprising of a mob of angry halfwits! But it is not this day! This day we fight!"

The men shouted their approval. Imp turned back toward the rioting retards, and charged. Skip ran along with him, without giving any thought to what they were about to do. The riot troopers charged behind them with their clubs raised in the air.

They charged up to the stage, and began clubbing anything that moved. Skip saw the man who had shoved him earlier running toward him. Skip didn't even hesitate to crack the man square between the eyes with his club. The man stumbled back and started to move forward again. Skip raised his shotgun and fired. He hit the man in the face, and his brains splattered all over the table.

"I wonder if those would taste like pizza too?" Skip asked himself.

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Chapter 10 part 3

Word count: 616
Total: 20,227
There's still more of this chapter on the way.

There were no more entertaining incidents while Skip and Imp waited for the contest to begin. The locker room was disturbing, as one might imagine a locker room full of retards would be, but there was no more excitement. While they were waiting Skip decided to talk to one of the "trainers."

"So, how do you really train these people?" Skip asked as the man was walking away from a pep talk with his athlete.

"Well there are two schools of thought, when it comes to training a tard for competitive eating." The man must have thought Skip was a reporter. "The first school says to use psychological trickery to make them think they like eating cow brains, to make them think it's some kind of treat. Then there's the second school of though, which is the method I prefer, and that is to starve the tard for about 36 hours before the contest."

"You don't let them eat?" Skip asked.

"Well, you give them sugar water, and vitamins, and maybe a slice of bread or two, but that's about it." The man replied.

"Why 36 hours? Why not longer?" Skip asked.

"Well, if you starve them too long, then their stomach starts to shrink. When the contest comes, they'll eat one cow brain and be full. You might be able to use a cattle prod or a whip or something to coax them into eating a second or maybe even a third, but you'll never get them to stuff down enough to win." The man seemed as though he had explained his techniques many times in the past.

A man carrying a clipboard and wearing a black polo shirt with the word "Staff" in yellow letters on the back interrupted the conversation to announce that the contest was about to begin. Skip was then herded out of the locker room with all the other mental degenerates. They were led out to a stage in the middle of the stadium.

Skip was surprised to see the stadium was full of people. It looked more like the Super Bowl than the Glutton Bowl, let alone the "special needs" Glutton Bowl. The fans cheered as each contestant was introduced.

The introductions were all very similar, "And now, hailing from Portland Oregon, weighing in at 325 pounds, The Down Syndrome Destroyer, The Tard Terror, Daaaaaaaniel Muckhouuuuuuuser!" Skip was introduced as "Skip, Stupid Moron, Harding." He was not amused.

The contestants were each given a seat in front of a large bowl full of raw cow brains, at a long row of tables. Skip looked at his bowl with a sour look on his face.

"I'm hungry, but I'm not eating this." He turned to Imp.

I'm stuck an electric cattle prod in his side and gave him a shock. "Don't talk back tard."

"What the fuck?" Skip protested.

Imp shocked him again. "This is great. I should find a real retard and do this for a living."

"You're sick, you know that?" Skip said, turning back to his dish.

A count down started, and the contest was underway. Skip took a reluctant bite out of his first cow brain, and was surprised.

"This tastes like pizza!" Skip exclaimed. "It's cow brain, and it's got the texture of cow brain, but it tastes like pizza! And damn good pizza at that!"

"What, did you think I came here to lose to a bunch of retards?" Imp said. "Now shut up and eat."

Now that they tasted like scrumptious round pizzas it was easy to forget that he was eating cow brains. His ravenous hunger came back to the forefront of his thought, and he dug into the brains with fervor.

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Chapter 10 part 2

Word count: 598
Total: 19,611
It's my week off, and I have a head cold. I feel like shit, so I'm not getting much done. I'm really starting to doubt that I will reach 50,000 words in the next 7 days. But we'll see.

The hotel was only a few blocks down the road. They checked in, but didn't bother to go up to their room. Instead they went back to the car and headed to the restaurant. At least Skip thought they were going to a restaurant. In fact they were heading to an event. Skip knew he was in for some new form of madness when they pulled into a crowded stadium parking lot. A giant banner hanging above the stadium entrance read "Special Needs Glutton Bowl."

"What the fuck is this?" Skip asked, as they from the car toward the entrance.

"It's a good old fashioned eating contest." Imp replied. "What's the matter, I thought you were hungry?"

"Yeah, but why would that make me want to watch other people eat? And why does it say 'special needs' glutton bowl?" Skip asked.

"You aren't going to watch other people eat, I've entered you in the contest. And special needs means retards. It's a retard eating contest." Imp said.

"You've entered me in an eating contest against a bunch of retards? Don't you think someone will notice that I'm not retarded?" Skip protested.

"Don't flatter yourself." Imp replied. "Just go along with it, no one will question you. Trust me."

"Is there really any trust involved when I don't have a choice?" Skip asked.

"You're right." Imp said. "And since you don't have a choice, why don't you quit bitching about it. Look on the bright side, you'll get all the cow brains you can eat at no charge."

"They're eating cow brains? That's just wrong. Feeding cow brains to retards and calling it entertainment, that's just wrong." Skip said.

"Hey now, they prefer to be called mentally challenged. And just because they're a bunch of retards doesn't mean they don't have the same right to compete in a cow brain eating contest that you do." Imp said.

"Yeah, but if they're retarded, then they don't understand what they're doing, and the people running this show are just exploiting them." Skip said.

"So what? That's the nature of entertainment. Entertainers are all mentally ill. You have to be mentally ill to need that much attention. And just because they don't understand it doesn't mean they don't have the right to do it. I mean they let them vote for fucks sake, why shouldn't they have the right to be exploited like every other entertainment." Imp said.

"Oh Christ there's no sense arguing with you. Lets just get this over with." Skip said.

They arrived at the front of the stadium and followed a sign that directed them to the participant entrance. After traversing a backstage area they found the contestant sign in area. The lady sitting at the sign in table flipped through a magazine as Skip signed in.

Without even looking up she pointed to her left and said, "Down the hall, second door on the right."

Down the hall, behind the second door on the left there was a locker room. In the locker room there were scores of people bustling about as if it were a real sporting event. Only the "athletes" in this case were all drooling and cross eyed.

The door to the locker room office opened, and out stormed an attractive woman wearing a tight red dress. Behind her a naked man with down syndrome stepped out of the door.

"Fine bitch!" He yelled at her with a slur, while holding an enormous erection in his right hand. "I will suck my OWN cock!" He went back into the office and slammed the door.

Monday, November 22, 2004

Chapter 10 High Tide part 1

Word count: 936
Total: 19,013

Several blocks away from the mutant feline madness they came to a stoplight. As they were waiting for the light to turn green, another car pulled up beside them. It was a lowered 94 Ford Escort, with hydraulics in the front, and rims that kept spinning when it stopped. Behind the wheel of this car was a pale white teenage boy, who wore a baseball hat backwards. The boy was listening to a ubiquitous pop song, and he obviously had an expensive sound system, because everyone else at the traffic light could feel the thumping bass.

"Get a load of this fool." Imp said. "He thinks he's a real gangster, with that car. Doesn't he know that gangsters don't listen to Avril Lavigne?"

The boy was head banging, making the hand sign for the devil, and sticking his tongue out at Imp.

"I'll show this idiot what a real stereo sounds like." Imp said, and pressed a button on the radio.

Two stabilizing legs extended from each side of the Falcon, and pressed firmly on the ground. Next the trunk opened, only it opened backward from the way a normal trunk opens. Out of the trunk two large cylindrical speakers extended, pointing in the direction of the Escort. The speakers settled on the roof of the car, and were secured in place by two metal hooks, which extended from the hood.

Imp pulled a CD out from a holder on the sun visor and put it in the player. He then picked up the CB. His words boomed as loud as a demon with his balls caught in a door. "And now here's Aenema, by Tool. This one's going out to the douche bag in the Ford Escort. We all know your dad paid for that car douche bag."

The kid had a look of utter disbelief on his face. Imp pressed play, and the song began to reverberate through the streets. The black Falcon shook, staying it place only because of the stabilizers. The Escort slid sideways until it collided with another car. Its windows shattered, and with every beat it slid further away, along with the car it was now pressed up against. The song finished playing, the speakers retracted, and the Falcon returned to normal. Imp then ran the red light and sped off down the street.

The drove through down town, and stopped at a marina parking lot. When Imp got out of the car his black secret service outfit turned into an off white robe. His hair grew past his shoulders, and his shiny black shoes turned into earth tone sandals.

"We need to see a man about a boat." Imp said.

"Ok, Noah" Skip said.

They walked down the sidewalk and went through a glass door upon which the words "Maritime Nautical and Arc Construction" were etched. Inside there was a front office with a counter and a small waiting area. It looked like a doctors office, with calming neutral tones, and bland saxophone music playing in the background.

Imp walked up to the counter and rang the little stainless steel bell. A door opened behind the counter, and a prudish woman came out. She wore a fifties style flower dress with long sleeves, and a pair of ugly brown eye glasses with a small chain extending from the ear pieces.

"Can I help you?" She said in a high pitched nasally voice.

"Yes, I would like to commission an arc." Imp now sounded suspiciously like Charlton Heston.

"Fill out this form." The lady handed him a clipboard, and went back through the door.

Imp rang the bell again. The lady returned with a sour look on her face.

"Yes?" She said.

Imp handed the clipboard back to her.

"Sir, if you want to commission an arc, you have to fill out this form." She snarled.

"I did, why don't you look at it." Imp said.

The lady glanced at the clipboard with a sigh, and her look of annoyance turned to one of confusion.

"One moment." She said, and took the paperwork with her back through the door.

Several minutes later she returned with more paperwork.

"Your project will cost an estimated 6 billion dollars." She said. "We require an initial 10 percent down payment to begin construction. How will you be paying today?"

"Do you accept Paypal?" Imp said.

The lady just stared at him.

"Fine, I'll put it on my American Express God card. I don't leave heaven without it." Imp said.

He opened a pouch that was hanging from his robe and took out a glowing golden credit card. The face of the card was adorned with the American Express logo in the corner, and a picture of an old man with a flowing white beard in the center.

The lady swiped the card, and then handed Imp a receipt to sign. He signed it, and she handed him his card back.

"That's going to take about 3 days. We'll call you at the phone number you listed on the form when it's ready." The lady said and walked back through the door.

"What phone number did you give her? Do you already have a house in a city you just created not 2 hours ago?" Skip asked.

"No, I wouldn't want to own land in this dumpy city. We've got a suite reserved at the nicest hotel in town instead. Let's go check in, and then we'll get something to eat." Imp said.

"I didn't know you ate." Skip replied.

"Well, I don't have to, but there's this place I want to go..." Imp said.

Sunday, November 21, 2004

Chapter 9 part 2

Word Count: 1042
Total: 18,077
There's more to come today. My vacation has begun.

A good percentage of Misses Crablebottom was carved up when several police cars pulled up outside the front of the house. She had long since passed out, but her initial screams, coupled with the headless cab driver in the driveway, had prompted the neighbors to call the authorities.

"Come out with your hands up!" a voice rang out from a megaphone.

"I thought they only said that in movies." Imp said.

He then pulled a 357 magnum out of his suit, and smashed a window.

He stuck his head out the window to yell, "You'll never take me alive copper!"

Imp let off a few shots out the window, and then ducked to wait for return fire. Skip was also on the ground now, hoping to avoid being shot. The return fire did not come.

"What the fuck are they waiting for? I want some gunplay." Imp said.

"Isn't it enough that you just carved up an innocent lady and fed her to her cats?" Skip replied.

"Hey, it's the best meal those cats have ever had. They look healthier already. Besides, that lady was a worthless sack of shit. She's better off dead." Imp said, and let off a couple more rounds out the window.

A few moments later the voice on the megaphone cracked on "Hold your fire, we want to send in someone to negotiate."

"Negotiate?" Imp said. "Are these some kind of pussy cops? I thought they only negotiated before you fire shots at them."

Imp stood up, picked up the last plate of Crablebottom cat food, and walked to the door.

"This ought to make things interesting for the boys in blue out there." He said, and opened the door to toss the plate out on the lawn.

Imp then held the door open for a flood of cats to rush out toward the plate. The negotiator approaching the house found himself between the cats and the plate of food. He turned to run, but they were already under his feet. He stumbled, and 5 cats leapt on his back. He tripped again and fell to the ground.

While the other officers stood dumbfounded by the site of their negotiator being mauled by a pack of domestic house cats, Imp led Skip to the garage. The car housed there was the furthest from what Skip would have expected to find in the garage of a crazy lady who owned 101 cats. It was a black 1973 Ford Falcon, with the engine sticking out of the hood, and two machine guns mounted on the back. The front end was reinforced with thick black steel bars. It was straight out of Mad Max.

"Why would that lady have THIS car?" Skip asked.

"Well, she was crazy." Imp said, and hopped in the driver's seat. "Hop in, lets take this baby for a spin."

"I don't know if you noticed, but the city's entire police force is out there. By now they've probably called in the national guard." Skip replied.

"That's what the machine guns are for." Imp said, and started the car.

Skip resigned, and sat down in the passenger's seat. The inside of the car was modernized. It had an electronic dash, and a monitor with cross hairs in the center. Imp pressed a button, and a joystick popped out from the glove box.

"So I guess I'm supposed to control the guns?" Skip said.

"Boy, you're quick." Imp replied, and slammed his foot down on the gas petal.

The tires squealed, and the car turned the garage door to splinters. It sped out and veered hard to the left. They skimmed by the cab, and crashed head on into the fronts of two patrol cars. The Falcon had no trouble pushing the patrol cars out of the way with its reinforced front end, and supercharged V-8 engine.

The car careened through a hail of bullets and onto the street. Imp swerved back and forth through the light suburban traffic, as a swarm of police cruisers followed in hot pursuit.

"Don't just sit there! You're the gunner dammit, gun!" Imp yelled.

Skip took hold of the joystick, and maneuvered the crosshairs around the monitor. He aimed at the nearest police cruiser and pulled the trigger. Shots rang out from behind them. Skip watched the on the monitor as the guns shredded the front end of the cruiser. A bullet struck the engine block, and big plumes of smoke billowed from under the hood.

The chase continued, and soon they were leaving the suburbs and approaching heavy city traffic. Imp swerved around a corner and onto a main street. They drove forward 2 blocks, and found themselves stuck at a traffic light. Black smoke rose up from the tires as Imp slammed on the breaks and spun the car back in the opposite direction.

The police came screaming around the corner to block their escape. A wall of flashing lights and sirens now stood between the black Ford Falcon and a clean getaway. Imp revved the engine.

"Now what?" Skip asked.

"Just wait a minute. They should be catching up." Imp replied.

"They? What are they?" Skip asked.

"They are a little surprise for the keystone cops out there." Imp said.

Several more police vehicles arrived, along with the swat team, and a helicopter. A man wearing a bulletproof vest and a helmet stepped forward with a megaphone.

"Step out of the car, and put your hands on top of your head!" The man yelled over the megaphone.

"Here kitty kitty kitty..." Imp said.

As soon as the words left his mouth, a giant house cat came running from the side street and bit the officer in half. The big cat held the top half of the man's torso and began pulling out his innards with its teeth. All of a sudden there were a dozen more giant house cats, rampaging through the streets, and eating the unsuspecting pedestrians.

The police completely forgot about the black Ford Falcon with the machine gun turrets mounted on the back. They were now preoccupied with a heard of hungry house cats the size of grizzly bears. The traffic jam cleared up, and Imp drove away with the rest of the afternoon commuters.

Saturday, November 20, 2004

Chapter 9 Lives

Word count: 906
Total: 17,035

"It's about time this dump was modernized. Let's go check out the new city. There's someone here I'd like you to meet." Imp said, and walked down the cobble stone path toward the street. Skip followed.

They reached the street, which was already busy with traffic, and Imp flagged a cab. They both got in and Imp gave the driver an address. The cab navigated through city until they reached the suburbs. He then pulled into the driveway of a cookie cutter house at the end of a culdesac.

They got out of the cab and the driver stuck his head out the window to say, "Hold on a minute, that's going to be 23 dollars."

"Oh yea?" Imp said.

Before the cabbie could say anything else a large blade fell from the sky and sliced off his head. Skip didn't even flinch. He didn't bother to comment, or question. He just continued following Imp to the front door.

The exterior of the house was painted a bright purple that clashed with all the neighboring houses. It was a basic, single story, ranch style house, with an unkempt yard.

"You're going to love this." Imp said as he rang the doorbell.

An older lady with disheveled white hair opened the door and pressed her face to the screen. "Whadaya want?" She said.

"Good afternoon Mam, my name is Rick Boswell, and this is my partner Skip Harding. We're with the department of health. Do you mind if we come in for a few minutes? We have some matters we need to discuss with you." Imp said.

"The heath department!" The old lady crowned. "What do you want with me?"

"Well Mam, we've had some reports from you neighbors that there might be some health code violations taking place at this residence, and we'd just like to clear that up." Imp said.

"I don't want anything, leave me alone!" The lady yelled, and slammed the door shut.

"You believe this fucking bitch? I'm a God Damn duly authorized city official here!" Imp said.

"Well, you don't look much like any city official I've ever seen." Skip said.

"Your right." Imp said, and he morphed into the form of a large man wearing a black suit, with secret service style sunglasses.

"There you go." Skip said.

Imp knocked on the door again. There was no answer. "I'm gonna teach this crazy bitch a lesson." He said.

With a swift kick Imp knocked the door open and stormed inside. The lady started screaming like a banshee, and leapt from her hideous brown couch to lunge at Imp with a knitting needle. Imp brushed off her attack with ease and threw her to the floor. He then grabbed a phone cord, and started wrapping it around her ankles.

He then tied her hands behind her back, picked her up, and tossed her back on the couch. Skip covered his ears to deaden the lengthy string of obscenities that flowed from her mouth as this was happening. Imp left the room, and returned with a sock to stuff in her mouth.

Skip was alarmed, not by the harsh treatment of an elderly lady, but by the number of cats that were roaming the living room. The number was growing by the second as well. They were rubbing up against his leg, and letting out sad little cries.

"Now Misses Crablebottom, if you have a minute, I'd like to talk to you about the complaints we received." Imp said. "Apparently the ungodly stench of all these cats shitting all over your house has reached your neighbor's noses."

Misses Crablebottom squirmed on the couch like a worm. She was still trying to scream through the sock in mouth, but she was clearly beginning to tire.

"What you don't realize Misses Crablebottom," Imp continued, "is that you, and all those like you, have been providing material for stand up comedians for years. And I'd just like to know...why? I mean what sort of short circuit do you have in your brain that prevents you from realizing what a disgusting nasty skank you've become?

How many cats did you get before you finally decided it was 'OK' for them to shit all over the living room floor? How many more do you think you would have acquired before you realized that your welfare check wasn't enough to feed them?"

Misses Crablebottom had quit struggling, and was now laying limp with tears in her eyes, struggling to breath. Imp ignored her whimpering.

"Well Misses Crablebottom, your neighbors are sick of the stench, and they are sick of the pitiful cries of starving cats. So I think it's time to give the kitties something to eat."

Imp walked away into the kitchen. He returned with a stack of plates, a pair of tongs, and an electric turkey carver. He set the plates down on a coffee table, and plugged the turkey carver into a socket behind the couch.

"It's Thanksgiving bitch!" He yelled.

He turned the carver on, and Misses Crablebottom started struggling again. He paid no attention to her resistance, and began carving chunks of flesh from her thigh. He used the tongs in one hand to pull the chunks loose and put them on a plate. When the plate was full he would place it on the floor, where the cats would attack it. He would then start filling the next plate in the stack.

Friday, November 19, 2004

Chapter 8 part 3

Word Count: 587
Total: 16,129
After tomorrow I have the whole week off, and a lot of catching up to do. I'm going to shoot for 4000 words per day. Wish me luck.


"Stupid protesters. Always getting in the way of progress." Imp said. "Holding hands and singing songs never accomplished anything. Why don't you show them how it's done Skip."

"Huh? What do you mean?" Skip said.

"I mean tear some shit up. Turn this place into a parking lot before those bulldozers do. Unleash your vengeance." Imp said.

"But you're the one with the super powers and everything." Skip replied.

"I'll let you borrow them for a minute. You did a pretty good job kicking that guy's ass in the pit. Let's see what you can do with some real power." Imp said.

"I don't understand. How can I…" Skip started.

"You just do it." Imp interrupted. "You imagine what you want to happen, and it will happen. Go ahead, give it a shot."

Skip looked at the bulldozers drudging through the village. He closed his eyes and concentrated for a moment. When he opened his eyes he saw what he envisioned actually happening. The grass huts sprouted arms and legs, and came to life. They marched toward the oncoming yellow fleet, and the drivers abandoned their vehicles to flee. The walking grass huts started picking up the construction equipment and tossing it at the fleeing drivers.

"Not bad, but you can do better than that." Imp said. "Come on, think big, really let loose. Let's see some real destruction."

Skip closed his eyes again. To the West, where the army of construction workers was scattering in the wake of the stampeding grass huts, a huge ball of fire fell from the sky. The ground shook when it landed, knocking everyone nearby off their feet. Seconds later another fell, and soon the whole village was being rained on by giant flaming meteorites.

The jungle was catching fire, and the bulldozer fleet was decimated. Skip looked around at the destruction, and closed his eyes again. Strange creatures began crawling out of the craters that were created by the meteorites. The creatures were made from the black rock of the meteorites, and their bodies were covered with red fissures of magma. Man like legs sprouted from their long phallic bodies under giant round eyes.

The giant walking cocks shot flames from the tip of their long tubular bodies, wreaking even more havoc on the tropical terrain. They turned their flames against the walking grass huts, and soon those were ablaze as well.

"Not bad. Flaming cocks, that's a nice touch." Imp said. "But let me show you how a real pro does it."

Imp looked at the ground. Water began to spray up from the center of the combat pit, and white bricks emerged from the dirt to form an elegant pool. The pool overflowed on one side and turned into a small stream. The ground around the pool turned to manicured green grass. A cobblestone path emerged, along with a rustic wooden bridge over the stream.

The transformation flowed out in a circular pattern, with the fountain at the center. Streets appeared, and buildings rose up out of the ground. The flaming phallic beasts were extinguished and turned to gray stone. They stood in various positions throughout the park looking like modern art sculptures.

The bodies of dead construction workers shriveled and morphed into little children, and old ladies walking French cut poodles, and old men who read newspapers upon park benches that had formed from the wreckage of bulldozers. Skip looked around and found he was no longer in an Amazon jungle, but rather a well-kept city park.

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Chapter 8 part 2

Word Count: 966
Total: 15,542

His opponent charged with the staff over his head. Skip stood waiting, and when the native got close he thrust his own staff forward and directly into the leather breastplate. The native slammed into the staff, and fell to the ground stunned. Skip walked way calmly, and turned to wait for another attack.

The native got back to his feet in a fury, and charged Skip a second time. This time Skip put his staff forward, but the native was ready, and deflected it to the side. So Skip brought the other end of his staff up into the native's crotch. Skip then fell back and used the native's momentum to fling him over his head.

The native landed on his back winded, and Skip was to his feet in an instant. When the native sat up Skip swung his staff like a golf club, catching him directly under the chin. The native slumped over, unconscious. Skip waited for him to get back up, but he remained motionless.

There was a deathly silence through out the camp. The villagers were stunned. They all stood crowded around the pit staring at Skip in disbelief. He looked back at all of them, not knowing what to do.

"I think you might have pissed them off." Imp said.

The Chief stood up and yelled something. Two more young boys climbed into the pit to remove the prostrate body of the fallen warrior. The Chief yelled some more, and the crowd parted again. In to the pit jumped 3 more fighters, each dressed similar to the one Skip had just defeated.

The first ran forward at Skip yelling some sort of battle cry. Skip threw his staff like a spear, striking the native square in the forehead, and knocking him to the ground. Skip then picked up the staff with the head on the end, and waited for another attack.

The other two natives didn't wait for the first to get back to his feet. They separated and charged at Skip from opposite sides. Skip ducked their haphazard swings, and rolled backward in a reverse summersault. He came back to his feet and spun like a dervish striking both men multiple times about their heads and chests.

Skip spun away, and the men staggered. The third man got back up and tried to strike Skip from behind, but he spun around and cracked him right across the face for the second time. The other two tried to rush from the other side, but Skip spun around and caught each in the face as well.

Skip was now enjoying the fight. His rage mixed with his unearned skill, and created a deadly mixture. He felt like a different person. He felt like a warrior. He was God's barbed wire baseball bat of vengeance upon the world.

All three native warriors got to their feet and circled Skip with caution. One rushed him from behind, but Skip spun around and thrust his staff straight through his throat. He then jerked the staff back, and jammed his fingers into the native's eyeballs. Skip grabbed the native's head like it was a bowling ball, with a finger in each eye socket, and a thumb in the mouth. He then ripped the head off and rolled it along the ground between the other two natives.

The two natives stared at Skip in horror. They then turned and ran out of the pit. Skip couldn't understand the language, but the sound of an angry mob is pretty much universal, and the crowd was obviously livid. Imp jumped down into the pit and walked over to Skip.

"I like your style, but I think we should leave now." Imp said.

"Would you like me to call a cab?" Skip said sarcastically.

"I don't think that will be necessary. The Calvary is arriving." Imp said.

"What are you talking about now?" Skip asked.

Imp didn't answer. The ground began to rumble, and the sound of engines could be heard approaching from the West. From the East there was another sound. Skip couldn't figure out what it was, but it was drawing the attention of the angry mob away from him.

The chief was ushered away, and the crowd dispersed to see what was happening. Skip crawled out of the pit and looked around. He looked to the West and saw a fleet of bulldozers and construction equipment approaching the village. He looked to the East, and could not believe what he saw.

It was a mob of angry protesters. There were dreadlocks, and hats made of hemp, tie-dye T-shirts, and smiley faces, and of course homemade cardboard signs.

The bulldozers were doing what they were made to do, turning the landscape into a parking lot. The protesters were doing what they were made to do, trying to stop the bulldozers. They formed a line on the edge of the village, holding hands and singing "we shall overcome!"

The bulldozers pulled up and formed a line parallel to the line of protesters. For a few moments there was a stand off between the two natural enemies. Unfortunately for these protesters, this construction company wasn't fucking around.

A man with a megaphone stepped out from behind the line of bulldozers and said, "Please disperse, or we will disperse you."

The protesters didn't budge. They kept singing their hippy songs and holding hands.

"You have been warned." The man said firmly, and stepped back behind the bulldozers.

A moment later a large group of men armed with assault rifles emerged from behind the bulldozers and opened fire. The protesters screamed and scattered in a panic. The men continued firing, and chased the protesters off through the jungle. With the protesters out of the way, the civilization of the Whodamuka tribe began.

Monday, November 15, 2004

Chapter 8 Rumble in the Jungle part 1

Word Count: 1237
Total: 14,576
10,414 words behind schedule.
Ok, I'm WAY behind now, but I haven't given up yet. I have next week off from work, so there is still hope.

As he sat on the floor, slumped up against the wall, riddled with guilt, a curious thought occurred to Skip. He realized that it had been a long time since he had last eaten anything. Hunger came at last to the forefront of his thought, and he felt very weak. He heard the sound of rain, and then soft organ music. He was very dizzy, and confused, and nauseous.

The weight of the world came crashing down on his shoulders, and he slipped into a dream world. The organ music continued, and the mellow sound of Jim Morison started singing "Riders on the Storm."

Skip found himself on a beach. The sun was sinking into the ocean to create a sky full of blood colored ominous clouds. The clouds formed into a great ring, out of which four figures emerged. They rode upon large Harley Davidson motorcycles, and long flowing capes rustled behind them. The riders landed on the beach, and Skip recognized them. They were the four women he had seen behind the counter at Apocalypse Inc.

The menacing quartet of doom approached Skip with startling speed. They blazed past him leaving a trail of fire on the sand behind them. The force of their passing knocked Skip over to land flat on his back. The flames singed the hair on his arms before he could get back to his feet and jump away.

Skip watched them roar off into the distance, and then turned around to look at the gaping hole in the sky from whence they came. The hole looked like a black flaming pit in the sky, and out of it came a horde of ghastly ghouls. Horned demons, walking skeletons, and masses of other creatures from the pits of hell poured out of the gate.

Skip tried to run, but his feet would not move. He only walked along as if each foot was dragging a heavy weight. He could not get out of the path of the unholy hordes. They swelled up around him like a tide of evil, and soon he was surrounded. He was knocked over again, and the crowd began to trample him. With his face being pounded into the sand, everything went dark.

The nightmare passed, and Skip opened his eyes. He was lying on his back looking up through the trees at a clear blue sky. He sat up to find that he was in a primitive village. Imp was sitting on a log nearby whittling a stick with his claw.

"Where am I? What happened?" Skip moaned.

"You are relaxing in the beautiful camp of the illustrious Chief Whatamuka, ruler of the glorious Whodamuka tribe." Imp said with mock reverence.

"Whoda what?" Skip was still disoriented.

"WHATamuka!" Imp yelled. "He's the chief, get his name right or he might shrink your head."

"Chief?" Skip asked. "Are we on a reservation or something?"

"No Skip, these are more like Amazon jungle natives, rather than American natives." Imp said.

"But we're not in the Amazon, we're in America." Skip said.

"Correction Skip, we WERE in America. The whole world is ending Skip, not just America. So I figured we might as well get out and see what's happening around the world, before it's gone." Imp said.

"What are we doing here?" Skip asked.

"Well, you looked kind of sick, so I figured you needed a doctor. So I brought you here to see the finest witch doctor the Whodamuka tribe has to offer." Imp said. "It's a good thing there wasn't much wrong with you, or they probably would have bled you to death."

One of the natives saw that Skip was awake, and walked over to them. The native said something in a language Skip didn't understand. Imp replied in the same language. The native looked at Skip, and then walked away.

"What was that about?" Skip asked.

"He was asking if you were ready." Imp answered.

"Ready for what?" Skip asked.

"Well, they don't really like outsiders too much here, and they wouldn't heal you unless I promised to have you fight one of their warriors." Imp said.

"What? Why would they want me to do that?" Skip said.

"For entertainment." Imp said. "What do you expect, they don't get cable out here."

"Well, when is the fight?" Skip asked.

"I would guess about 30 minutes from now. That native just went to gather the rest of the tribe." Imp replied.

"30 Minutes!" Skip shouted. "I just woke up! Now I have to fight?"

"You'll be fine Skip. I've used my divine powers to give you the rough equivalent of 30 years of martial arts experience. You'll wipe the grassy field with this guy." Imp sounded confident.

Skip stood up and found that he had a surprising amount of energy. He felt limber despite the fact he had been laying on the ground for who knows how long.

"I've never been in a fight before." He said to Imp, who was still whittling.

"There's a first time for everything." Imp replied.

For the next several minutes Skip paced back and forth, jumping up and down, and doing stretches like a boxer doing a warm up. Soon the native returned and said something to Imp.

"Time to go." Imp said to Skip.

"This is odd, but I actually feel like I'm ready for a fight." Skip said, and then followed Imp and the native on a path through the camp.

The native led them to a large circular pit in the middle of the camp. The pit was about 3 feet deep, with a dry dirt floor. The native looked at Skip and pointed to the pit. Skip understood, and hopped down. A crowd had gathered around. It looked like the whole tribe had come out for the event.

A moment later the crowd parted to allow the entrance of a native with an extravagant headdress, and a flamboyant outfit made of feathers. Skip assumed he was the infamous Chief Whatamuka. He said a few words to the crowd and they responded with cheers. He said a few more words, and then stepped aside. From behind the Chief came a large man wearing a primitive suit of armor.

He was roughly 6 feet tall, with broad shoulders, and the crowd cheered at his approach. His armor consisted of shoulder pads made from alligator skulls, and a breastplate made from a thick piece of leather. He carried a large staff with a shrunken head on the end.

The big man jumped down into the pit, and threw his hands up in the air to solicit another round of cheers from the crowd. A young boy climbed down into the pit to bring Skip a staff of his own, although his had no ornamental head on the end. The boy climbed back out of the pit, and the chief said a few more words.

"He just said 'let the fight begin', so you might want to get ready." Imp yelled to Skip.

Skip was ready. He didn't understand why, but he was ready. He stood there with the staff in his hands, looking at the brute across from him. Skip had never kicked anyone's ass before, but this fool seemed like a good person to start with. A fury began to stir inside of Skip, the likes of which he had never experienced, and he reveled in it.

Friday, November 12, 2004

Chapter 7 part 2

Word Count: 917
Total: 13,339
Just a warning, if this chapter doesn’t offend you nothing will.

Even after all the chaos he had been through, Skip was shocked by what he saw behind the glass. The room on the other side looked like a zoo exhibit gone horribly wrong. It was much larger than the room in which he was standing. It was full of smooth wooden poles lying at various angles, thick ropes hanging from the ceiling, and a cornucopia of jungle plants.

It wasn't the décor that made Skip's Jaw drop. It was the monkeys. It was the monkeys and the men dressed in tattered lab coats cowering in the corner. And it was one of the men in particular that disturbed him. It was the one who had been dragged away from the other men and was now being sodomized by an angry monkey.

He was no longer screaming. It looked like he had passed out, and was now lying limp, bent over a round wooden beam. His lab coat had been pulled up over his head, and there was blood running down his legs.

"Jesus what are they doing?" Skip yelled in disbelief.

"Looks like jungle fever to me." Imp replied.

The kids were trying to climb up on the table to get a look through the window. Skip pulled them back, and then pulled then flipped the switch to black out the window.

"We've got to help them." Skip said.

"Of course you do. Even though you're an asshole, and you don't care about people, you're still a man. And you're still the hero of this story, and no hero could leave a group of innocent people to die by monkey rape." Imp said.

"How do I get in there?" Skip said.

"But let me tell you Skip, these ass hats got themselves into this situation, and it's their own fault they're getting gang raped." Imp continued, ignoring Skip.

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about these mother fuckers in there doing the reverse limbo are all assholes. Half of them are the whack job scientists who run this evil research facility, and the other half are the whack job PETA freaks who infiltrated this place to rescue the monkeys."

"So, that's no reason not to help them." Skip argued.

"Those scientists have been conducting experiments on those monkeys for 20 years, making them stronger, smarter, and meaner. They were trying to genetically alter them so they could be trained as soldiers. Then these misguided hippy freaks came in here and tried to 'rescue' the monkeys. When they let the monkeys out of their cages, the monkeys attacked. Now the monkeys are in charge." Imp ignored Skip's growing irritation.

Skip walked away, going back to the other room. The children all followed him, and watched as he searched for something to use as a weapon.

"I can't believe you let that alien fly off with all the guns!" Skip grumbled.

"I'd think you could believe anything at this point." Imp said. "Maybe you haven't been shocked enough."

Skip stopped searching and looked at Imp. "I don't like the sound of that."

Just as he finished his sentence a group of monkeys came running down the hall. They moved like lightning, snatching up the children and taking them into the room with the other men. Before Skip could even comprehend what was happening all the children were gone. He ran over and tried to open the door, but the monkeys had locked it.

"Damn, they did make them smart didn't they" He said, and ran into the other room to see what was happening.

He flipped the switch, and saw something he never could have imagined in his worst nightmare. The monkeys were playing dodge ball with children. They weren't trying to hit the children with a ball. They were trying to hit each other with the children.

The glass muffled the screams, as the kids were tossed back and forth across the room. 5 of them had managed to get loose and were cowering in the corner with the men. The rest were dead or unconscious.

Skip grabbed one of the chairs and struck the glass as hard as he could. The chair bounced off with no effect. Skip tried again, but it was no use.

"You have to stop this!" Skip yelled.

"No Skip. It's not going to stop. It's never going to stop. All you can do is flip the switch so you don't have to watch it. Just flip the switch and walk away." Imp said.

"I can't do that!" Skip was getting very upset.

"Well I guess you can sit here and watch things get worse, if you're into that sort of thing." Imp pointed at the window.

The big gray haired monkey that had its way with the man bent over the beam was looming down on the men huddled in the corner. The men huddled around the children protectively. But the men were weak from lack of food and rest, and the monkey easily overpowered them to grab one of the little boys.

"Uh oh, looks like that one's Catholic." Imp said.

"No" Skip said in disbelief.

"I'd flip the switch if I were you Skip. This isn't going to be pretty." Imp said.

Skip flipped the switch, and slumped down against the wall.

"Oh come on skip, where's your sense of humor? Don't tell me you don't find monkey rape to be humorous funny? Are you kidding me? That's some funny shit." Imp said.

Skip just looked at the floor.

Chapter 7 Monkey Business

Word Count: 841
Total: 12,422
I'm way behind, but there's more coming today.

The bullets bounced off of the bus as if they were made of rubber. Two rocket propelled grenades shout out from opposite sides of the roadblock. They hit the front of the bus and exploded with no effect. Flames licked the windshield and illuminated the madness in Imp's eyes.

"Ramming speed!" Imp yelled, and the unstoppable yellow juggernaut plowed through the barricades.

The concrete road dividers and military vehicles flew apart like scraps of paper hit by a mighty wind. The bus sped off down the road and out of the city. The children had stopped screaming. Skip was silent as well, griping his seat with terror.

When the city and it's apocalyptic war was out of site, Skip finally spoke. "Where are we going now?"

"Go West young man. There's gold in them thar hills!" Imp replied.

"Whatever." Skip said, and slumped down in his seat.

They drove far from the city, and deep into the middle of nowhere. The signs of civilization became fewer and fewer. Grassy planes, rolling hills, and farmlands filled the horizon. Time seemed to slow down, and Skip almost forgot about the chaos he just left behind.

The came to a more mountainous region, and the roads became steep and curvy. Imp now drove at a casual pace, like he was just taking a weekend road trip. The children had all fallen a sleep in the back of the bus. The dull roar of the engine was the only sound to fill the air.

"How about a little music?" Imp said, and pressed a button on the dashboard. The dulcet tones of dueling banjos played over the speakers.

"Very funny." Skip said.

They had been driving for a long time, and they were very high up in the mountains when Imp pulled the bus off the main road. He turned onto a gravel road, which then became a dirt road, which came to a dead end at the top of a hill. The road was blocked by a row of forest.

"Ok kids, were here." Imp said.

"Here? We're in the middle of nowhere, what are you talking about?" Skip said. He was thinking about the movie Deliverance, and he was getting a little nervous.

"Just follow me past these trees, and I'll show you. You're all in for a real treat." Imp said as he jumped out of the bus.

Skip looked to the back of the bus, and all the kids were staring at him. "Why do you have to get all creepy all of a sudden?" He said. No one answered.

Skip and all the children followed Imp up through the woods, and they soon came to a clearing. A circle of forest enclosed a small field of yellow grass. Imp led them to the center of the field where there was a rusty metal door laying flat on the ground.

He opened the door and said "Step right up."

Skip didn't even bother to argue. He knew it was pointless, so he walked down the steps. Blue lights under each step provided enough light for to keep him from tripping. The whole stairway was surprisingly modern. It even had a shiny new handrail.

At the bottom of the stairs there was a large room lit by harsh florescent lights. In the center of the room there was a large statue of a gorilla holding a bone above its head. The stairway was on one wall, and each of the other three walls had a door. The left door had a sign that read "Laboratory." The right door had a sign that read "Residence." And the door on the wall opposite from the stairs had a sign that read "Test Subjects."

Imp walked over and opened the door labeled "Test Subjects" and motioned for the group to go inside.

"You're going to love this." Imp said as they shuffled through the door.

On the other side of there was a hallway made from two rows of small cages stacked from floor to ceiling. The cages were empty, but the room stank of dung. They heard the faint sound of angry monkeys coming from the end of the hall, accompanied by the sound of people screaming.

"Let the kids go first." Said Imp.

"Why?" Skip asked.

"Because I said so." Imp answered.

Skip stepped the side, and the line of children walked down the hallway with trepidation. When they had all passed Imp walked behind them. Whenever one would look back they would see him there, and keep walking. At the end of the hall of cages there was an open area with a few desks and computers. The sounds were coming from behind a doorway.

Imp walked through another door, and the group followed him. The room they entered looked like it was used for observing police interrogations. There was a folding table with two chairs set in front of a large blacked out window. Imp flipped a switch next to the window and the room on the other side was revealed.

Thursday, November 11, 2004

Chapter 6 part 2

Word Count: 758
Total: 11,581

Skip stood on the rooftop gazing at the awesome might of the United States military baring down on the chaos in the streets. In the distant sky he saw four black dots growing ever larger. They were fighter jets, and a tremendous boom echoed across the heavens as they approached.

They came on with ungodly speed, and unleashed a barrage of firepower on the streets that shook the buildings. The force of the blasts knocked Skip over, along with the Command Top 3000. When the machine hit the ground it started to beep and squeal as if it was angry.

When the rooftop quit shaking, Skip got to his feet and picked it up. The screen was flashing red with a message that said "Error! Command center threatened, deploying all forces!"

"Great. What does that mean?" Skip said.

"What do you think?" Imp said, " Just what it says. We should get out of here. Before the real carnage begins. This building is going to be a pile of rubble soon."

Skip then noticed that the craft that had delivered them to this roof was now gone.

"Where did Captain Koolaid go?" Skip asked.

"Like I said, he's the best pilot in the universe." Imp said. "You think the best pilot in the universe has time to hang around on the top of a parking garage waiting to get blown to pieces?"

"Hey, all of the guns were in there! And now how are we going to get out of here?" Skip yelled in a panic.

"Oh, what do you need guns for anyway? You're hanging out with a living deity. And like I just said, this is a parking garage. I'm sure we can find something." Imp said as he walked toward the doorway to the stairs. Skip followed like a lost puppy.

On the inside of the parking garage Imp walked past several cars. Then he stopped in front of a school bus and said, "This is perfect! Lets go!"

On the inside of the bus they found 15 terrified school children cowering behind their seats.

"Oh great, kids. I hate kids." Imp said. "Well, since they're here, lets give them the ride of their life. I'm driving!"

"How can you drive? You can't even reach the pedals." Skip said.

"You keep forgetting my unlimited divine powers." Imp replied.

With that the bus roared to life. Imp looked at the frightened faces in the rear view mirror, and yelled, "Sit down and shut up!"

The tires squealed and the bus shot forward. It swerved and careened through the parking garage at speeds Skip never would have thought a school bus could travel. When they reached the bottom floor the bus crashed through the tollgates and out into a dwindling crowd of zombies. They were fortunate enough that the exit was on the street opposite from the one that was now a flaming wasteland.

The children screamed in terror as the bus rampaged down the street. The bodies made a sickening thump as they were deflected off the front bumper. The bus bounced up and down like a pimped out Cadillac on hydraulics.

Skip looked out the window to see a battle raging all around. There were now a wide array of robots in the streets, and most of the zombies had been vanquished. However the US military and the robots had mistaken each other for enemies, and were now locked in a deadly struggle.

Imp made a hard right turn and the bus felt like it was going to tip over. The new street was less crowded, and Imp started picking up speed. He soon turned onto a freeway, and started heading out of the city. Before long they approached a roadblock. Concrete barriers, barbed wire and several military vehicles manned by soldiers with heavy weaponry stretched across the freeway. Imp didn't even slow down.

"Hey, you have to stop." Skip said.

"No Skip, I'm the one with free will here, not you." Imp replied.

"There are kids on this bus! You're going to get us all killed!" Skip yelled as the bus approached the barriers.

"I said sit down and shut up!" Imp yelled in a tremendous evil voice.

Skip sat down, put his seat belt on, and held tight to the back of his seat. A soldier stood in the middle of the road holding his hand up in a signal to stop. Imp nearly ran him down. When the soldier jumped out of the way, the other soldiers opened fire on the bus.

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Chapter 6 Command and Conquer

Word Count: 1249
Total: 10,823

Once Tiffany cleaned herself up and got dressed, the group snapped back to reality.

"Weren't we supposed to be getting out of here?" Said Tim.

"Oh yeah, that's why we went to get all these guns." Terry said.

"Yeah, that was pretty stupid." Imp said. "Especially since an armored alien space vessel is about to pick us up."

"A what?" Said Tim.

"Don't bother trying to understand." Said Skip. "Just believe whatever he says. Trust me, it's easier that way."

"You're finally starting to learn Skip." Imp said. "Now everyone follow his advice, listen to me, and come over here."

Imp walked over near the windows that faced the outside. Everyone followed like obedient dogs.

"Stand here." He said, motioning. "No, a little bit this way, Ok, right there. Now Skip, you come over here."

Everyone stood where they were told, and Skip went to stand beside Imp. The second they were all in position, a large silver vessel came crashing through the wall, and landing right on top of Terry, Terrence, Tim, Tiffany, and Tara. All were killed instantly.

"What the fuck?" Skip said.

"They were getting on my nerves. Grab the guns, and hop in side." As Imp said this a door lowered from the craft. The ship had a sharp pointed tip, which looked rather like a beak, and the whole thing was shaped like a narrow pyramid.

Skip decided not to question why Imp hand just killed everyone else. He did as he was told, grabbing the guns, and hopping on board. When he was inside he saw that the creature piloting the ship looked nothing like a human being. It appeared to be made from a bright orange liquid, and the only thing that kept it from turning into a puddle was a clear plastic bag. One end of the bag was hanging from the ceiling of the cockpit, and the other had two sections that were attached to some sort of consol.

A pair of eyeballs floated around inside the bag. Skip could only see them when they pressed up against the bag to look at him.

"That's one ugly mother fucker." The creature spoke out of a speaker in the consol.

"This is the pilot?" Skip asked skeptically.

"Best one in the existence." Imp replied.

"He looks like a bag of Koolaid." Skip said.

"You look like a bag of shit." The creature replied.

"Just shut up and have a seat Skip. We're going for a little ride." Imp said.

Skip sat down, and the ship took off. It rose up off the ground and blasted forward through. Rather than turning around and going back through the hole in the wall, it tore through the entire building to come out on the other side.

The cockpit had no windows. Instead it had two large monitors that touched at the edges. The image on the monitors was one of a huge crowd of zombies filling the streets below. The angular silver craft flew over the crowd, and then up to land on top of a shorter building.

"Lets go have a look." Said Imp. The door opened again and he hopped out.

Skip followed. When he looked down from the rooftop he saw the same vision the monitors had shown. Meanwhile Imp opened a compartment on the side of the ship, and pulled out a large silver case. He brought it to the edge of the roof, and set it down. When he opened it, a screen rose up to Skip's waist level.

"Skip, this is the command top 3000. It's the latest in portable war room technology." Imp said. "it allows you to command all aspects of your war from one convenient screen."

"Great, it's lovely." Skip said with mock enthusiasm.

"What's the matter Skip? You never played any real time war sims on your daddy's computers?" Imp mocked him back.

"What do you want me to do now?" Skip asked.

"Well, you may not have noticed Skip, but there is an army of zombies down there. Now they aren't going to get rid of themselves. So I suggest you turn this little baby on, and have some fun." Imp said.

"I don't know if I like your brand of fun." Skip said.

"Oh come on now Skip, it's not like you have a choice here." Imp said.

"Fine." Skip said, and pressed a button on the contraption. The screen lit up with a message that said, "Welcome to CT3000." The next screen said "Choose your army" at the top and showed 3 red squares below. Skip pressed the square on the left, which had the silhouette of a crude looking robot.

A map came up on the screen that showed a map of the nearby streets. A panel on the side of the screen said "Attack with…" and below there were several different symbols, none of which Skip understood. So he just pressed the third one down, and a message popped up saying "Choose location." So Skip touched a spot in the middle of the street he was looking at. "Attack commencing." The next message read.

"What now?" Skip asked.

"Watch." Imp said, pointing at the street below.

There was some excited motion from the zombies at the center of the crowd, and Skip saw metallic figures pouring up from a hole in the ground. They were shaped similar to men, but they were clearly robotic. Each had a 3-pronged claw grasping a long slender blade. The other arm ended in a cannon.

They attacked the zombies with ruthless vengeance, slicing off limbs, and chopping off heads. Soon they had cleared a large circle, and then they began firing their arm cannons. Blue bolts of energy shot out of the cannons, burning through the zombies like a fire hose through a crowd of wimpy tree hugging protesters.

"Don't hold back Skip, you've got a lot more toys to send in. Try that one." Imp said, indicating another button.

Skip pressed it, and again a message popped up saying, "Attack commencing." In the sky above the building there was a bright flash, and a loud clap that sounded like thunder. A dark circle appeared in the sky, and out of it flew a swarm of robotic Valkryies, each brandishing a long wicked blade. They swooped down on the crowd, and began hacking the zombies to pieces.

The first group of robots shifted to attack one side, while the Valkryies tormented the other. The streets were turning into rivers of blood. There were limbs, and heads, and unidentifiable parts littering the ground like confetti after a parade.

"This is too easy." Imp said, looking down on the carnage. "Oh, here come the opposing forces. That should make things more interesting."

"What opposing forces?" Skip asked.

"Why, the US military of course. You think you can have a war without the finest fighting force on the planet?" Imp said, and pointed down the street.

Skip looked and saw a large force of tanks several blocks down. The tanks plowed through the zombies, while thousands of foot soldiers marched behind shooting the hell out of anything that the tanks hadn't run over.

"Whose side are they on?" Skip asked?

"Well, traditionally the United States has been against the formation of a zombie nation." Imp said. "So I'm guessing they are here to kill the zombies. But I'd also guess that they'll be none to happy when they see an army of robots attacking the city."

Monday, November 08, 2004

Chapter 5 part 2

Word Count: 801
Total: 9574

Tim, Terrence, and Terry set out on their journey down the hall to the security office. Skip stayed behind to protect the women with the considerable arsenal he was carrying. Ted stayed behind because he was too cowardly to leave the room armed only with a stapler. Todd stayed behind to hit on what very well could have been the last two living women on the planet. Tyler, who was now looking rather pale, stayed behind because he was tied to an office chair.

"When we get back, we'll probably be in a hurry." Tim said before they left. "Ted, you stay by the door and be ready to open it for us."

"Good plan. It's fool proof." Imp said. As usual, everyone ignored him.

Now they were all sitting around in silence, waiting for the adventurers return.

"So…what are you doing later?" Todd broke the silence.

"Are you talking to me?" Tara asked.

"Well, you know I just thought maybe we could get together sometime. You know, just for coffee or something." Todd said.

"Oh yea? Where do you think we're gonna go? Starbucks? Oh wait, Starbucks has probably been overrun by freaking zombies!" Tara yelled.

"You don't have to be so mean." Tiffany interrupted the conversation.

"Thank you, Tiffany is it?" Todd asked.

"Yes." Tiffany giggled, and twirled her hair.

"So what are you doing later Tiffany?" Todd said.

Tiffany giggled and twirled her hair some more. "Um…I don't know."

"Well, maybe we could hang out or something. Or hey, why don't I show you around the office." Todd sounded excited.

"I thought you didn't work here." Ted butted in.

"Hey, mind your business." Todd yelled. He then turned back to Tiffany. "So how about it?"

"He he, Ok." She giggled, and off they went together.

"What is this world coming to?" Ted sneered.

"An end." Imp replied.

Ted ignored him and went back to sulking.

A few minutes later they heard the sound of shouting outside the door. Next came a loud pounding, and Tim could be heard on the other side yelling, "open the door! Open the door!"

"Let them in!" Said Tara.

"No way, they could be zombies now." Ted replied.

"I told you this would happen." Imp said.

"Open the fucking door!" Terrence yelled from outside the door.

"Open the door!" Tara screamed.

The argument was interrupted by the sound of loud moans coming from Tyler. Everyone turned to see that he now looked just like all the other zombies. He was jerking back and forth violently.

"Ah witness the noble zombie, as it struggles to throw off the bonds of his oppressors." Imp said.

Just as Imp finished his sentence Tyler did break free of his bonds. The broken phone cords fell to his feet, and he leapt toward Ted. Before Ted had time to react Tyler was upon him. They tumbled to the floor, and Tyler started biting Ted in the armpit.

They rolled away from the door, and Tara ran to open it. When she did Tim, Terrence, and Terry came rushing threw the door, each carrying a large duffle bag. Tara tried to close the door, but a zombie came crashing through, knocking her to the ground. Before another one came she used her feet to kick the door shut.

Tyler had chewed Ted's arm off and was now beating him with it. Skip unloaded nearly an entire clip into the other zombie, which now lay on the floor in a pile of gore. Skip then pointed the gun in Ted's directing, but he was out of ammo. So he through the gun down, and grabbed the flamethrower.

Skip let loose with a long burst, setting both Tyler and Ted ablaze. Tyler dropped Ted's arm and ran through the office like a maniac. Ted screamed and flailed on the floor trying to put out the flames. Everyone ignored his cries and watched Tyler crash through the door of the vise president's office.

In the office was Tiffany, buck naked, bent over the desk with Todd behind her. At this site, even Tyler stopped and stared. Todd kept thrusting away, saying only "Do you mind? I'm kinda busy here?"

The back of Tyler's head then exploded. Terrance blew the smoke from the barrel of a large revolver, and said "Mother fucker was blocking the view."

Ted finally passed out, or died. No one really cared which, as long as he quit making all that racket. They all just stood there watching as Todd brought Tiffany to completion, and then came on her face. They all clapped, even Tara.

"I thought you hated that guy." Skip said.

"They're just like you Skip." Imp explained. "They don't really have free will, so if I want her to be a lesbo, she'll be a lesbo."

Sunday, November 07, 2004

Chapter 5 Office Politics part 1

Word Count: 844
Total: 8773

Skip ran down the stairs with man close behind. They came to another door, and the man yelled again, "There! Go through that door!"

Skip opened the door and hurried inside. The man followed, and closed the door. He then pulled down a large metal pipe that had been rigged to act as barricade. Skip looked around and saw that he was in a parking garage. There were men wearing security guard uniforms waiting for them.

"This way." The scruffy looking one on the left said, motioning with his head.

Skip walked with the men until they reached another door. On the other side of this door was an office, and a few more people. As he looked around at the frightened faces Skip heard a familiar voice come from behind a desk.

"Thought you'd never make it." Said Imp, walking out from behind the desk, lighting a cigar.

"What now? Who are all these people?" Skip asked.

"Haven't you ever watched any zombie movies Skip? These are the zombie fodder?" Imp said.

"Huh?" Skip said.

"In every zombie movie you'll ever see, there's always a few characters who lock themselves away in a building and fight off the zombies. There's always at least one black guy, a couple of chicks, and at a handful of white guys." Imp explained.

"I can't believe we're all listening to a talking monkey." One of the white guys said with irritation.

"This guy right here," Imp said pointing to the man who just spoke, "His name is Ted, and he is the asshole of the group. There's always one guy that no one likes, and who, at some point a few of you will leave the safety of the office on some fool's errand, and when you come rushing back, with the killer zombies right on your heals, this prick won't open the door." Imp blew a smoke ring toward the man.

"That guy there," Imp pointed to one of the office workers, "His name is Tyler, and he's been bitten by a zombie, or as everyone likes to call them 'those things.' The security guards, Terry and Terrence, they'll want to kill him now, before he turns into a zombie, but the dames, Tara and Tiffany, they are real bleeding heart liberals, and they won't allow it." Imp was speaking with uncharacteristic clarity.

"And this guy here," Imp pointed, "his name is Todd. He's the only surviving member of a sexual addiction support group that meets next door. He's only here for comic relief. Not that we really need it with me around."

"How come everyone here has a name that starts with a T?" Skip asked. "That's very confusing."

"Don't worry, they'll all be dead by the end of this chapter anyway." Imp said.

"What chapter? What the hell is he talking about?" Ted asked. "and why am I the only one who thinks its odd that a monkey can talk?"

"Hey!" Tiffany chimed in. "Be nice, monkeys have feelings too."

"Oh, Holy Christ with a stick up his ass, give me a fucking break!" Ted yelled.

"Ok people, just calm down." Another man said. "If we want to get out of this alive, we're going to have to cooperate with each other.

"Oh I almost forgot to introduce Tim." Imp said. "He's the natural leader, who mediates between everyone, and comes up with the risky plan for escape."

"Now I don't know about you, but I don't want to die here." Tim continued, paying no attention to Imp's comments. "There's no food in this office, and if we don't find a way out of here, we're all gong to starve to death."

"How long have you all been down here?" Skip asked.

"About 30 minutes." Terrence answered.

"You've been down here 30 minutes, and you're already talking about starvation?" Skip asked.

"Hey, there is nothing wrong with thinking ahead." Said Tim. "Now there's a closet full of weapons in the security office. I say we get those weapons, and try to make it to the shelter they were talking about on the radio."

"Maybe we should all sit around and sing show tunes instead." Imp said.

"I'm not going anywhere without a gun." Ted protested.

"I will go with Terry and Terrence." Tim said. "We all have guns, so we can make it. We'll go to the security office, get the weapons, and bring them back here. Then everyone will be armed to the teeth, and we can all go to the shelter."

"I'm not staying here waiting for him to turn into a zombie." Ted protested again, this time pointing at Tyler.

"Well what's it gonna be then? Are you gonna stay here, or are you gonna go with us?" Tim said.

"How about you just tie Tyler to a chair with some phone cord, in a the naive hope that medical science can actually come up with a cure for being dead." Imp said.

"Hey, that's not a bad idea." Tim said. "Tiffany, gather up all the phone cord you can find."

Chapter 4 part 2

Word Count: 1264
Total: 7889
3773 words behind schedule, but gaining fast.

Imp hopped off his chair and said, "Ok, this control room bull shit is getting old. Let's get out there and have some hands on fun."

Skip slumped down on his chair and said, "go ahead without me, I think I'll just stay here."

"I don't think so Skip. Don't you realize that you're not making the rules here? Don't you realize that there are no rules anymore? I'm like Jesus motherfucker. I may not have all that compassion and mercy bullshit, but I'm still the Son of God. Well, the son of your God anyway, and it just so happens that your God is an asshole."

"So if I don't have a choice, why should I care? Why should I give a shit about what happens to my Dad's building, or the city, or anything else? Why shouldn't I just sit here and eat popcorn while I watch everything turn to shit in high definition?" Skip was getting angry.

"Because, Skip, just like you said, you don't have a choice. You're the hero of this fucking story, and you're going to get out there and kick some ass, whether you like it or not. Now do you want to be a pussy about it, and end up being played by some little Hollywood faggot like Colin Hanks? Or do you want to be a baddass, and get played by someone hardcore like Bruce Campbell?" Imp was dead serious.

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Skip asked with a sigh.

"You say that a lot." Imp said, and then reached over and pressed a button on the consol. Skip jumped as the platform began a rapid descent through the floor. "Your God may not like you Skip, but I do. So I'm gonna hook you up."

The platform entered a large cavernous area, lit by torches. It reached the ground and stopped. Imp walked down a cobblestone lane outlined by small flaming trenches. Skip felt compelled to follow, although the reason why was beyond him.

The lane came to an end at an average sized metal door. Imp opened the door, and looked at Skip. "Step inside." He said.

"Oh, why the hell not." Said Skip, and walked through the door.

Imp slammed the door behind him, and Skip was in pure darkness. "Why am I not surprised?" he said to himself.

He heard a song playing from some unknown source. It was Sheryl Crow's "A Change Will do you Good." There was no light, but Skip could feel himself being lifted upward. He also felt something ripping off his clothing. He was being poked and jabbed and knocked around. Finally he was ejected onto the surface of the street, right in the middle of the chorus.

Skip rolled a few yards from the momentum. He lay there for a few seconds looking up at the sky. He still heard music, although it was no longer Sheryl Crow. What he heard now sounded like a high school marching band playing "Louie Louie."

Rolling over and getting back on his feet Skip noticed that his outfit had changed. He was still wearing a tattered white short-sleeved button down shirt, only now it was adorned with a nametag that read "Bad Ass." He now had a simple black tie with a red skull and crossbones at the end, and his khakis were replaced with black military fatigues.

There was a flamethrower strapped to his back. There were several grenades strapped to an ammo belt that was draped over one shoulder, and an m16 strapped to the other. Skip found the weight surprisingly easy to handle.

"What is this, Scarface?" he muttered to himself.

The sound of "Louie Louie" was growing louder. Skip walked toward the street it was coming from. He reached the intersection and turned the corner to see a marching band of zombies covered with purple slime. They were twirling batons, and doing flips, and dancing, and everything else that comes with a marching band.

"You've got to be fucking kidding me." Skip said, starring at the display.

The parade stopped as the zombies in the front formed a human pyramid with surprising agility. Skip shrugged his shoulders and pulled one of the grenades from the ammo belt. He pulled the pin and lobbed it through the air. It landed a few feet in front of the pyramid, and continued to roll until it was right underneath them.
The pyramid of zombies exploded, sending arms and legs and other appendages flying, and splattering the streets with gore. The music stopped, and the zombies all looked at Skip.

"Oh shit…" Skip said as the crowd of undead ran toward him.

He pulled the pin on another grenade, tossed it on the ground, and then ran for his life. The crowd of zombies ran right over the grenade, chasing Skip down Main Street. The grenade exploded, sending more zombie parts flying up into the air, but failing to slow their rush.

Skip ducked into an alleyway, hopping they wouldn't see him. He soon reached a dead end, and turned around to see that he had made a big mistake. The smelly, purple slime covered, angry zombies had him cornered. Skip hoisted up the M16 and fired off a few rounds. A few zombies dropped, only to be trampled by more.

Out of the corner of his eye Skip saw something move. He looked and saw that a fire escape ladder had dropped down within his grasp. Without thinking he grabbed it and began to climb. He quickly reached the lowest platform, and turned to pull the ladder up, but one of the zombies was already climbing.

Skip reached back and pulled out the flamethrower. He pointed it down and pulled the trigger. A massive stream of flame shot out, incinerating the zombie on the end of the ladder, along with several others. The zombie continued to climb however, so Skip shot out another burst of flames. This time it was a sustained burst, and he made a sweeping motion from side to side. The zombie on the ladder kept trying to climb, but it's hands burned to ashes and it fell.

Skip dropped another grenade, and ran up the rusty metal stairs. The explosion nearly knocked the aged framework lose from the building. Skip made a dash up the final steps and onto the roof. There he stood looking down at the alleyway full of flailing burning death. He turned and walked away, struggling to catch his breath.

Before he had taken 3 steps a hideous winged humanoid, which looked almost identical to the one that had attacked him in the plane, flew down and landed roughly 30 feet in front of him. It stretched its wings and let out a gruesome shriek at Skip.

Skip pulled up his M16 and opened fire. The creature leaped into the air, dodging the bullets. It gained some height and then dove back down straight for Skip. He fired several rounds, but failed to hit anything. It was about 10 feet from tearing Skip in half when a small missal struck it in the side and exploded.

Skip looked in the direction from which the missal had come, and saw a large black man standing by the roof top door, holding a rocket launcher. The man was waving for him to come, so Skip ran toward the door. Several more winged beasts landed on the roof all around him.

He reached the door, and ran inside. The man closed the door behind them and said, "Get downstairs, quick!"

Chapter 4 Purple Zombies on Parade Part 1

Word Count: 485
Total: 6625

Skip managed to turn the plane around to see the damage he had done.

"Yeah! Take that bitch!" He yelled with triumph. "Yeah, Yeah, Yeah! Take it! Take it all bitch! You like that bitch?" Skip was practically humping the joystick.

On the streets below the purple ooze began to bubble. It looked like a giant wad of chewing gum was covering the ground, and bubbles were being blown all around. One of the bubbles popped, and from it's center a gruesome winged creature shot up into the air. It had a hideous brown monkey face, with long greasy black hair, and sickly looking naked pale flesh. It looked even more disgusting with purple goo smeared all over its body. The only clothing it wore was a tattered loincloth, which was decorated with a Visa logo.

The creature had long wings that matched the pale white flesh. The creature spread these wings to catch the air, and fly away. More bubbles began to burst, and many more creatures were issuing from Barney's remains. Some were similar to the first, winged demons that reeked of rotten noodles. Others were similar, but instead of wings they had strange trunk like appendages extending from their shoulders, and they shuffled along the ground at a sluggish pace. Many wore the Visa loincloths. Some also wore McDonalds T-shirts, and one wore a baseball cap that read, "I read humorous key chains out loud."

In the air Skip's adrenalin wore off, and he realized that he was flying a plane, and had no idea how to land. He did not have time to worry about this for long. Before he could even begin to panic about landing a winged zombie flew out of nowhere and landed on the cockpit glass. A bulging Visa logo was now all skip could see.

A greasy white arm came crashing through the glass and grabbed Skip by the neck. As Skip flailed and struggled to break free he struck one of the many buttons. A compartment opened, and out popped the handle of a high caliber handgun. Skip's hand brushed up against the gun and he grabbed it just as the flying zombie pulled him up through the glass.

The creature pulled Skip right up to it's face and in a voice that sounded like the devil himself it said, "Visa, it's everywhere you want to be, mother fucker."

Skip raised the gun to the zombie's face and pulled the trigger. The blast blew the brute away from Skip, and it fell back to the earth. Skip sat back down in the cockpit and tried to take control. The plane was out of control, spiraling toward the ground. The site of the ground rapidly approaching disappeared in the wake of a blinding white light, and Skip found himself back in a chair sitting next to Imp.

"Nice shooten Tex." Imp said.

"Fuck you." Skip replied.

Saturday, November 06, 2004

Chapter 3 part 2

Word Count: 546
Total: 6140

"This should be fun Skip." Imp said, "That big purple dinosaur out there is your enemy. You just press these buttons, and different things will come out to attack it. It's just like a video game" Imp grinned, "except that it's real."

"That thing is destroying my building!" Skip yelled.

"Ahem, don't you mean your daddy's building?" Imp mocked. "If you don't like it why don't you grab the controls here and start blowing the motha fucka up?"

Skip looked at the wide array of colorful buttons on the consol. He reached out and pressed a yellow one with an airplane icon. A flash of white light enveloped him, and he was suddenly sitting in the cockpit of a WWII style fighter plane. The voice of Imp chimed in from a set of speakers behind his head. "You ever fly a plane before Skip?"

"No! I can't fly a plane, I don't know what I'm doing!" Skip grabbed the controls.

"Now Skip, you're never going to learn anything if you don't try new things." Imp chided. It's simple, just steer it like a car. Only it's a car that can also go up and down in the air. Just remember that small red button on the joy stick fires your machine guns, and the large red button fires missiles."

Skip could see Barney the Destroyer tearing through the city in front of him. The plane was already flying towards the purple menace. "I never liked that fucking dinosaur." He muttered and pushed on the accelerator at his feet. It looked oddly similar to the one in his car.

"Do all these things come equipped with BMW racing peddles?" He said.

"No, this one is made especially for you. WWII planes look all right, but I figured I'd modernize it a bit just for you. Plus I wanted to give you some cool weapons, instead of that pussy 1940's crap." Imp's voice was somehow easy to hear over the roar of the plane.

Skip found the controls much easier to operate than he would have expected. Not that he ever expected to find himself in the cockpit of a fighter plane, but had he ever considered such an occurrence, he would have expected it to be much more difficult. He pushed on the accelerator a bit harder, and the plane picked up considerable speed. Skip was now flying straight towards the very large, inexplicably angry, mutant renegade children's television star.

High tech targeting images appeared on the glass of the old style plane. Skip didn't even bother to question this; he just used his instincts to aim the weapon systems at Barney. The beast was now in firing range. Skip directed the crosshairs toward the back of Barney's head, and pressed the large read button. A single missal shot from the plane, and sped straight toward its target.

Skip pulled the joystick toward his chest and the plane lifted away as the missal penetrated the massive purple cranium. The creature stopped moving for a second, and then his head exploded into a bloody purple mess. The body then went limp, and fell face first into the street. When it landed the carcass lost it's form and turned to a thick disgusting liquid and flooded several city blocks.


Looks like I use too many dirty words.

Friday, November 05, 2004

Chapter 3: Death to Barney part 1

Word Count: 631
Total: 5594
4402 words behind schedule.

Skip stood up and wiped the water from his face. He looked around at the chaos all around him. People were abandoning their cars and running down the street away from the purple blob, which was growing larger. Imp was walking away like nothing had happened. Skip decided there was nothing else he could do but follow.

He had to run to catch up, although Imp was walking at a leisurely pace. As soon as Skip caught up Imp turned and walked through the door of what looked like an office building. Skip followed, and was supriesed to walk into a ritzy looking lobby filled with lavish decorations. There was Muzak playing just loud enough to be heard over the trickle of a large fountain in the middle the circular room.

The fountain was a giant rotating eyeball, with water flowing from the eyelashes. Behind the fountain was a long curved desk staffed by 4 women. They were all wearing different colored skintight uniforms that showed an unprofessional amount of cleavage. No matter how unprofessional it was, Skip didn't mind.

The woman sitting on the far left side of the desk was wearing a white uniform. She wasn't wearing a nametag, just a gold pin shaped like a bow and arrow. The name placard at her desk read "Conquest." She had dark skin and long dark hair.

The woman sitting next to her was wearing a dark red uniform. Again, no nametag, just a gold pin shaped like a sword and shield. Her name placard read "War." She had fiery red hair, and fair skin.

Next was a woman wearing a dark green uniform, and a gold pin shaped like a set of scales. Her name placard read "Famine." She had gray hair and tanned skin.

The last woman wore a black uniform. She did have a nametag, which read "Death." A familiar sod off shotgun lay where her name placard should have been. She had jet-black hair, offset by pale white skin, and accented by jet-black lipstick.

Imp was nowhere to be seen. Skip stood there looking at the 4 women at the counter, confused about whether he should hit on them, or be afraid for his life. He decided to approach with caution.

"Welcome to Apocalypse Inc." Conquest said, "Can I help you?"

"Uh, I was looking for a little furry guy, about this tall." Skip held out his hand to indicate Imp's small stature.

"Right over there, room W1." She replied, pointing to her left.

"Thanks…" Skip said, and walked away in that direction. He opened the door labeled "W1" and walked through. What he found on the other side was a room that seemed impossibly large. There were lights hanging from rafters far above, and a huge circular pit filled with desks and men walking around in military uniforms below. In the middle of the pit was a smaller circular platform, with a half circle consol, and 2 large chairs. The chair on the right swiveled around to reveal Imp motioning for Skip to come down.

Skip was standing on a catwalk that ran all the way around the room. To either side he saw stairs leading down towards the lower half of the room. He took one of these stairways, and soon he was approaching the center platform.

"Have a seat nigga" Imp said. Skip obliged.

"Take a look at this" Imp said, and pressed a button on the consol. The wall opposite of the consol pulled back to reveal an enormous monitor. The monitor turned on to show a view of the city street from which they had just come. The purple blob had taken the shape of a tyrannosaurus rex. It was about 50 stories tall, and it was destroying nearby buildings Godzilla style.

Chapter 2 continued

Word Count: 1349
Total: 4963
Leave a comment, let me know how you think it's going.


The second he hung up, the phone rang again. Skip just looked at it. There was no way he was going risk talking to anyone else as crazy as the man with whom he just spoke. Instead he just let it ring, and after a short period it stopped. Skip just sat there and listened to the conversations going on around him.

Even though he could not hear what the callers were saying, the words of the other workers lead him to believe that everyone who called Blamtech customer service was insane. Skip was soon drawn out of his rare meditation by the sound of a commotion coming from several cubicles down the row.


When he sat up to see what was going on the cord attached to his headset very nearly ripped the phone off of the desk. Skip yanked the headset off and threw it on the floor. He then stepped outside his cubicle only to be tackled by Imp.

The other employees forgot about their inane meaningless conversations as they watched this furry little creature standing on top of Skip's chest. Imp looked up at them watching him and said, "You got a fucking problem?"

With reluctance they all went back to their phone calls. Imp stepped off Skip's chest and said, "Weren't you paying attention when the man said your world was about to end? What the fuck you doing at work nigga?"

Skip caught his breath just enough to say, "You sound like a large black man, not like an Ewok."

"You sound like a little bitch." Imp said sternly.

"What are you doing here?" Skip asked, as if he were talking to a friend who had just dropped by unexpectedly, rather than a creature unlike any other on the planet.

"That's what I was asking you. Most people, if you told them they was gonna die, they would go out and party. But this nigga here, he goes to work. Shit, you haven't worked a day in your life, you picked a hell of a time to start." Imp was now sitting on Skip's desk, playing with the headset.

"I thought it was just a dream or something, I thought I was just losing my mind. I thought…oh fuck I don't know what the fuck I though. I just know I'm lost somewhere in an office building talking to a hairy midget with Star Trek ears." Skip plopped down in his chair.

Imp put on the headset and pressed a button on the phone. It rang and he answered it, "Thanks for calling Blamtech asshole."

"What the fuck are you doing?" Skip yelled.

"Oh yeah?" Imp said to the caller. "Well how about you get the dick out your ass and shut the fuck up cock licker?"

Skip started pressing buttons on the phone in desperation until he managed to disconnect the call. "Jesus, what's wrong with you!"

"I thought you didn't believe in all that religious bullshit." Imp said.

Skip responded only with a sigh.

"Ok fuck nuts, since you're gonna be such a little bitch, here's the deal. You remember when the man told you that I was going to be your guide? Well that wasn't fucking optional. I'll lead you to the end of this shit by your fucking balls if I have to."

"You sure have a foul mouth." Skip said.

"Well I'm what you might call 'all powerful', so I'll say whatever the fuck I want." Imp seemed to be getting irritated with Skip's back talking. "Listen, I didn't come here for stimulating conversation. I'm here to fuck some shit up. So what do you say we get this shit rollin?"

"You're the all powerful one, why are you asking me?" Skip said with monotone disinterest.

"You know, you're right." Said Imp, and he then jumped back into the isle and threw his hands out to either side. When he did the building began to shake. The workers noticed quickly and soon panic was rampant throughout the office. The deranged old ladies and drug addicts who made up the majority of Blamtech's customer service department were soon stampeding towards the exits.

Skip didn't know how to find an exit, so he just grabbed the walls of his cubicle and tried to keep his balance. "What are you doing now?" he yelled at Imp, who ignored him.

The ceiling tiles began to fall, and the florescent bulbs began to shatter and spark. In the middle of the room several of the cubicles began to rise above all the others. A circular platform appeared to be coming up from the floor, pushing everything out of is way. Imp threw down his arms and ran towards the platform.

The building stopped shaking. Skip turned to see Imp take a flying leap to the top of the platform. Everything in his way went flying in all directions. A fax machine smashed into the back of an old ladies head, causing her to loose her grip on her walker and fall to the floor. Imp didn't seem to care.

The lights all went out, and a spotlight appeared on Imp in the middle of the platform. He now had a microphone in his hand. "Ladies and gentlemen…" he said in a perfect Michael Buffer impersonation, "Lets get ready to usher in the apocalyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyypse!"

As he continued to carry the "y" syllable, the sound of heavy metal music began to play from an unseen source. More lights began to highlight the stage. Fog drifted over the rest of the room. And then Imp began a stirring rendition of Marilyn Manson's "Get Your Gun."

"God Damn your righteous hand!" he crooned, and the room began to shake again.

Skip didn't bother trying to hold on to the cubicle this time. He started running, although he didn't know where. He soon tripped over one of the many pieces of debris. When he got back to his feet he looked to the platform to see Imp was no longer there. The music was still playing, but Imp was not there.

Skip turned around to see the creature flying through the air straight toward him. Skip tried to get out of the way, but it was too late. Imp swooped down on him like a bird after a field mouse, snatching him up into the air, and then towards the wall. Together they crashed through the windows and into the warm air outside.

14 stories of thin air now separated Skip from the pavement, and Imp let go. Skip screamed as he plunged toward the busy street below. What he did not see as he fell was the purple goo that was spewing out from a manhole cover and forming a giant bubble. The bubble was 2 stories tall by the time skip reached it, and it padded his fall quite well. Skip's momentum carried him deep inside the gelatinous mass, which expelled him gently out onto the street covered in purple slop. Skip caught his breath and scrambled away from the mess, trying in vein to clean himself with his hands.

As he stumbled away a blast of water hit him in the face, catching him by surprise and disrupting his balance. Skip stepped backward and tripped, landing flat on his back. Above him Imp appeared holding what appeared to be a seltzer bottle.

"You should be more careful, that purple shit probably stains." Imp mocked him. Skip started to reply but was cut off by another blast in the face. Imp then tossed the bottle to his side, and held his hands above his head. There a black circle appeared in the air, and a large gush of water poured out to clean the rest of the sludge off of Skip.

"What's the matter, you didn't like my singing?" Imp said, and then looked toward the juggernaut of purple goo. In a dead on Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonation he said "Come with me if you want to live." With that he began walking away on the sidewalk like he was just taking a stroll to the park.